


White Flag

by orphan_account



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-07
Updated: 2013-05-07
Packaged: 2017-12-10 16:22:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/788051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><img/><br/>Banner by Stormy</p><p>A fateful letter that should have never been read by the receiver, and a chain of unlucky events during a travel around the world to clear up all the misunderstandings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	White Flag

**Author's Note:**

> I admit it, I tortured Kame a little in this one :P He’s having a very bad day…  
> Insert Song: Dido - White Flag

_Dear Kazu,_

_I guess it’s not very typical for me to write letters. You’re probably about to throw this paper out of the window right now because you think I’m messing around with you, aren’t you? But actually, I’m not, for once. I don’t even know what I’m doing myself. I just packed my things together tonight and I started to feel emotional, so I thought, if I’m already leaving the continent tomorrow, I can also let my feelings out for once. Maybe I’ll feel better then._

_So please listen to me one last time._

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you  
I’ll tell you then

_I’m sorry for the way things went. I’m sorry for the way that I left KAT-TUN without telling you. You must have felt pretty left out when you heard about it through television, right? I’m really sorry about that. I didn’t avoid telling you because you meant nothing to me – it was the opposite: I couldn’t tell you because you are the most important person to me._

_This might surprise you, considering the way our friendship went downhill in the last couple of years. I guess I’m to blame for that, too. I never told you the reason why I started to distance myself from you, and I’m sorry for that as well. You must have wondered what had happened. But fact is, I couldn’t tell you back then._

_But I’m gonna do it now._  
  
But if I didn’t say it, well, I’d still have felt it  
Where’s the sense in that?

_I’m in love with you, Kazu. I first started to notice it back when we were filming Gokusen. We were around each other practically 24/7, and you slowly started to grow out of your teenaged self, and I started to realize… that I felt attracted to you._

_First, I tried to push it away. Of course I did. I mean, you are a guy, and I was scared of my feelings for you. Not to mention, you were one of my best friends, my band mate, and I was afraid of your reaction when you would find out, and what it would destroy._

_But soon, I started to notice that what I felt for you was way more than friendship. Before I knew it, I had rushed past a little crush – I had fallen head over heels for you, no turning back anymore._

_It was hard for me, though, carrying all those feelings while knowing that I could never tell you. I watched you flirt with other girls, and the way the girls fell for you, and I just wanted to make it all go away._

_So I decided to go to the US in 2006. I thought that maybe, with new surroundings and meeting new people, I could go back to just being your friend._

_It was a fruitless hope, though. I missed you, and was back soon enough, not being able to deal with my feelings any better than before. It slowly destroyed me from the inside – working side by side with you for all these years, watching you, but never being able to get as close to you as I wanted to… It literally killed me._

_So I unconsciously started to back away from your closeness. It had nothing to do with you, believe me – it was more like some kind of self-protection, to keep myself from falling apart._

_Not that it was easier to work with you and not talk to you, as I hoped it would be. Fighting with you hurt even more than I could have ever imagined, and that was when I knew that I needed to leave._

_So when I got the offer of going to the US once more and start a solo career, I didn’t ponder for long, I just accepted without thinking._

_I knew I should have told you, but I just couldn’t. It took all my self-control to convince myself that it was the right thing to do – I couldn’t have possibly faced you and told you that I would leave_ without _telling you the reason._

_I’m well aware that I betrayed you with that, and I’m honestly regretting that._

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder  
I’ll return to where we were

 _I’m not asking you to forgive me. I know that after all that happened, we can’t just go back to the way we were. I’m not sure I’d even want that. I just wanted you to_ know.

I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again  
And I caused nothing but trouble  
I understand if you can’t talk to me again

And if you lived by the rules and it’s over  
Then I’m sure that that’d make sense

_I’m not expecting anything from you, either. Please don’t call me after you read this, and above all, please don’t tell me that you’re sorry. It’s not your fault, after all. I made sure that you wouldn’t notice my feelings, and even if you had known, it would not have changed anything. It would have only made everything even harder._

And when we meet  
Which I’m sure we will  
All that was there will be there still  
I’ll let it pass and hold my tongue  
And you will think that I’ve moved on

_You don’t need to talk to me when you see me in the future. Actually, I’d be thankful if you wouldn’t. Because if you did, it would only be painful to me. I’ll just keep pretending that I don’t miss you, and that I don’t feel what I feel for you._

_Even though I guess I probably still will. I haven’t managed to forget about you in 5 years, and I’m not sure I’m ever going to. Probably not._

But I will go down with this ship  
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender  
There will be no white flag above my door  
I’m in love and always will be

_I’m sorry to selfishly burden you with all of this now. The more I write, the less I’m sure that I’m actually going to send this to you. I probably won’t._

_It’s better that way, I guess._

_But for now, let me just say it for once: I love you, Kamenashi Kazuya. I love your laugh, the way your eyes shine when you smile; the way you manage to make me laugh no matter how down I am; the way you always seem to know what to do; the way you manage to make a leader for the band even though you are the youngest of all of us; the way you always give everything, sometimes giving even more than you possibly can._

_Take care of you, okay? I don’t think I could take it to read in the news some day that something has happened to you, or that you overworked yourself. So be careful._

_And good luck with KAT-TUN. You guys are the best – you’re probably gonna do even better without a lazy ass like me as a member. ;)_

_You’re gonna make your way. I know you, Kazuya, and no matter where I am, I will always be proud of you._

_Love,_

_Jin_

“Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, we are going to land in Los Angeles soon. Please be sure to sit down on your seat and fasten your seatbelts.”

I sighed, carefully folding Jin’s letter before putting it into my jeans pocket.

I had read it so many times that I already knew it by heart.

“That idiot” I murmured, glad to see that an American was sitting next to me when I noticed that I had spoken out loud. He just frowned at me, but ignored me.

I knew I should have never gotten hold of this letter. The whole thing had been a stupid coincidence – Jin’s mother had found it in his room when she had cleaned, and when she had met me on the street by chance, she had told me about it, finally forwarding it at the next best chance.

Of course, she had had no idea of its contents. Jin had just scribbled my name on the back of the envelope, and of course, his mother hadn’t suspected a thing. Jin and me had been friends long enough, after all.

Actually, first I had not wanted to open it. I had been so mad after Jin had left without even telling me about it, as if I didn’t deserve hearing it from the first hand, that I had sworn to act as if he never even existed. It would have been too hard otherwise.

Or how would you have dealt with the fact that your former best friend, who you had been secretly in love with for over 5 years, suddenly decided to leave your band and the continent, and you had to hear it from the news?

However, my curiosity had won over at last, and so I had finally opened the letter. Obviously, or I wouldn’t be here, 2 days later on the next best plane to L.A..

I closed my eyes, leaning back against the cushion of the seat, cursing our stupidity. I couldn’t believe that we had actually managed to love each other all this time without ever telling the other. How ridiculous could two people be?!

I guess we had had a difficult situation to begin with, though. I mean, both of us being in the show business when noticing that we were possibly gay, or in the very least bi, and in love with our best friend was not the easiest thing to deal with. However, I thought with some frustration, _I_ at least hadn’t tried to distance myself from Jin and destroy our friendship. I mean, couldn’t he just have been secretly miserable with me?! That would have made things a little less complicated.

Plus, Jin had not once given me the slightest hint that he could be into anything else than foreign, big breasted girls! I mean, with me, there had been more than one rumor that I might not be totally straight, but with him… I mean, how in heaven would I have guessed?!

I swear, when I was going to find him, I was going to shake some sense into him.

The emphasis being _when I was going to find him_ , by the way. As smart as I was, instead of checking in and leaving my things in the hotel first thing after landing, maybe calling him to tell him I was in town, I needed to go straight on my search for Jin.

To my defense, I hadn’t thought that it would be that hard. I had threatened his address out of Tomo (who had, by the way, obviously known of Jin’s feelings for me all along, thanks again for never letting me know!), and all I theoretically needed to do was find a taxi that would bring me there.

So much to the theory. The first problem was _finding_ the taxi. It was not that there was necessarily a lack of them – no, it just seemed that every other human being that had landed in L.A. today was this tiny bit faster than me. After what felt like a hundred tries, I had finally found a free taxi, claiming it as mine.

Then, the next problem appeared. _English_. I mean, I had always known that my English was not the best to begin with, but I guess even if it was, it would not have helped me a lot in this situation. Because my driver, as cheerful and nice as he was, was of Indian origin, and when he opened his mouth, he could have as well been talking Hindi, for all I understood. After 10 minutes of fruitless back and forth, I wrote the address down, shoved the paper at him, and looked at him with big helpless eyes.

He seemed to take pity in me then, and I finally got into the back seat, and he started to drive.

It took about 20 minutes until he stopped at the side of a street, demanding about 50 $ (I suspected that he was taking more than was legal, but how could I have complained?) before throwing me out onto the street, without leaving me with the slightest bit of orientation.

It turned out that he had indeed brought me to the right street, but the number that Jin lived in was another 20 minutes walk further down. When I had dragged my luggage down there with me, I was faced with the next problem.

The apartment house turned out to have more than a hundred apartments, and not everyone had put a nametag out to tell visitors where to ring. Of course, Jin was one of those smart individuals.

So I stood in front of the door for what seemed like an eternity, staring at the hundreds of nametags, wondering what to do.

At some point, a girl who was apparently living in the apartment complex as well turned up, mustering me with a frown as she unlocked the door. I guess I must have looked ridiculous, staring at the nametags dumbly.

“Can I help you?” she asked, and I bit my lip, nodding, but wondering how the hell I would manage to explain my situation. God, I hated English.

“Are you searching for someone?” she asked patiently.

“Yes” I answered, glad that I probably wouldn’t need to say more than two or three words at this rate. “Akanishi Jin.”

Her eyes widened in realization.

“Oh, you’re a friend of Akanishi? I should have known, how many Japanese are living here?! But I’m sorry, I’m afraid you missed him. He took off to London today for the filming of his new movie.”

“London?” I repeated stupidly, my heart sinking.

“Yes, he left a few minutes ago. I saw him when I left. His flight is going to take off at about 2 pm, I think.”

I looked at my watch, checking the time. It was just past one. With a little luck…

“Thanks” I nodded hastily before taking off, running down the street in search for another taxi. The girl was staring after me, but I didn’t glance back.

I couldn’t believe it – months had passed since Jin had moved to L.A., and the one day I decided to visit, he was leaving the city?! How unlucky could I get?! Maybe the gods were trying to tell me something…

Nevertheless, I had hardly time to curse my luck further. I just needed to get back to this damn airport to get hold of him. Even if I was not quite sure how the hell I would manage that.

I was a little luckier this time – it didn’t take me more than 5 minutes to find a free taxi, and the driver spoke an English that I slightly understood. He didn’t ask too many questions when I gasped: “Airport!” at him, taking off immediately.

When I arrived at my destination once more, being another 30$ poorer, I searched the screen for leaving flights.

There it was. London Heathrow, planned departure at 13:48 h. I groaned, hurrying towards the next counter, waiting impatiently in line, watching my time run away at the nearby clock.

“One flight to London” I gasped when it was finally my turn.

“The next one leaves in 2 hours and 15 minutes” the woman behind the desk told me, but I shook my head quickly.

“No” I got out, pointing to the screen, where the according flight was now accompanied by a red angry _boarding_ message. “That!”

“But there are only four more minutes to board” she informed me, raising her eyebrows in surprise. “You are not going to-“

I shook my head again, fighting out a “Doesn’t matter”, shoving my credit card at her. To my satisfaction, she worked fast – a colleague of her took my luggage, and after she had booked another 500$ from me (I would be poor after this), she gave me the ticket, telling me where to go.

I didn’t think I’d ever run this fast. I almost crashed into four different people of various nationalities before I finally reached the gate, catching a flight attended that was just about to close the doors.

“You are lucky” she chuckled as she led me inside, but I was too out of breath to answer.

In the end, I ended up in the second class of the airplane without Jin anywhere to be seen. As soon as I had found my seat, I had craned my neck for him, but of course, he was not here. I reckoned he was in the first class – Jin was always one to take all the luxury he could get.

As the plane started to take off to another long long flight (I wasn’t even sure how long one flew from L.A. to London. 5 hours? 10?), I settled into my seat, silently asking myself what the heck I was doing. I mean, in a matter of no more than 2 days, I had taken all my holiday for this year, flown to Los Angeles to meet someone I had not spoken to in months, and who I had originally sworn not to speak to ever again, only to find out that he was leaving for London the hour after arriving there, and flying after him. I mean, my hotel was booked in L.A., not in London! What was I going to do when I arrived there?!

I probably should have checked Jin’s twitter or something before I took off. Maybe I would have known then that he would start his new film now. How stupid could I get?!

I spent half of the flight cursing myself in this way – the other half I pondered if I should run down a stewardess to storm the first class. However, with my luck, I would only end up in a British prison, and that was the last thing I needed now.

When we finally landed in London, it was raining. I guess I shouldn’t have expected anything else, for all I knew about England, but I had only packed for Californian weather, and those closes were not enough for the 10°C they had here.

I tried to spot Jin as I got out of the plane, but he was nowhere to be seen. The first class had probably been let out earlier than the rest of us, so he was already gone when I entered the airport.

Of course, the next problem was waiting for me there as well – after 30 minutes of waiting, I realized that my luggage hadn’t arrived in London with me. Which meant another terribly difficult conversation in English, of which I only understood half, and which ended in the result that my luggage was probably on the way to China right now, having been put into the wrong airplane back in L.A..

How ironic. It would have no long way home from there.

Nevertheless, it didn’t change the fact that I was here now, in London, without a hotel, luggage or any clue to where Jin was. The situation didn’t take a turn for the better when I stepped out of the airport, catching a shuttle bus into town (I had had enough of taxis for today), and noticing that my cell phone had run out of energy.

“No” I whined to myself, banging my head against the glass window of the bus. “No, no, no!” Why was destiny hating me so much?! Seriously, this was ridiculous! It shouldn’t be allowed that so many bad things happened to one person in one day! I mean, what the heck had I done to deserve this?!

I had no idea where I was when the bus stopped and I got out. I had never been to London, and seriously, I didn’t know a thing about it.

What the hell was I supposed to do now?!

I ended up pacing the streets a little, helpless and tired. It wasn’t until I passed a telephone booth that I managed to collect a tiny bit of motivation to actually do something about my situation, which I had to, if I didn’t want to sleep on the streets tonight. And I knew that Jack the Ripper had been dead for ages and all, but this was still not something I wanted to try out.

I was glad to find out that the telephone booth accepted cards. After all, I had no British money with me.

I dialed the only number which I knew by heart which wasn’t my own. Or at least, not completely my own.

“Moshimoshi, Kamenashi here. Who am I talking to?” I sighed as I recognized the voice of my youngest brother.

“Kazuya here” I responded, not losing any time. This call would cost me another fortune. “My phone died. Can you please do me a favor and give me the number of Yamashita Tomohisa? It should be written in the calendar on my desk.” Smart as I was, I had crossed out Jin’s number everywhere after he had left.

“Okay, wait a second” he said, giving the phone to my mother as he went. Of course, my mother sounded frantic.

“What happened?!” she asked as soon as she got hold of the hearer. “Have you not found Jin yet?!”

“It’s a long story” I murmured, closing my eyes and leaning with my back against the wall of the booth. Damn, was I tired.

“Where are you now? In your hotel?”

“Not really.”

“What do you mean _not really_?!”

“I’m in London, Mum!”

“LONDON?!”

I was saved from further explanations by my brother snatching the phone back from my mother and giving me Tomo’s cell phone number. I was so thankful that I would have kissed him if he weren’t on the other side of the world right now.

I hurried to end the call quickly afterwards, avoiding to get my mother on the phone again, dialing Tomo’s number right away. Luck seemed to be with me for once as he took the call. After everything that had happened, it wouldn’t have surprised me if he was working or something right now and couldn’t take the call.

“Moshimoshi”

“Listen, Tomo, here is Kamenashi. I have no time, so help me here – I need Jin’s phone number. Now. My phone died.”

“You haven’t found him yet?” he asked, and I could hear the frown in his voice. “What happened?”

“Please do me a favor and don’t ask” I groaned, more than a little moody. “The number. Please, Tomo!”

“Okay, okay” he gave in, and I heard him rummaging through some things. “Do you have something to write?”

“Yup. Shoot.” I murmured, writing down each and every digit he told me, double-checking with him. This would have been just what I needed, messing up a number now and not reaching him.

“Are you alright?” Tomo asked after he had finished giving the number through. “You sound pretty shitty, if I may say so!”

“I am aware of that” I sighed, rubbing my temple. A headache started to build, and I wondered how long it would take before I broke down from exhaustion. “Just wish me a little luck, I’ll need it. The situation is pretty bad.”

“In which way?”

“In an I’m-gonna-be-robbed-by-muggers-if-I-don’t find-Jin-soon kind of way.”

“That does sound bad” he admitted. “Don’t you have a hotel?”

“Long story, Tomo!” I repeated. “I’m gonna hang up now. Bye!”

I didn’t even wait for his answer, ending the call and dialing anew. My heart raced as I listened to the ringing of the phone.

One time… two… three… four… five…

_Mail Box_

I leaned my head against the glass wall of the bunk, _so close_ to just bursting into tears. This was not happening. No. No, no, no. This was all a bad dream and I was still back in Japan and I had _called_ Jin instead of making my way over here without thinking.

In a last hopeless try, I redialed, listening to the ringing as I stared into space. I almost didn’t realize it when it wasn’t the mailbox that answered.

“Moshimoshi? Who is it?” I blinked, freezing at the sound of his voice. “Hello?” he asked again when I didn’t answer.

“Jin?!” I asked stupidly, adrenalin suddenly running through me, making me feel dizzy.

“Yes?” he responded suspiciously. “Who is it?”

“It’s me, Kamenashi!” I answered hastily, still unable to believe that I had actually been able to reach him.

“Kame?!” he asked, and I could tell by the sound of his voice how shocked he was. “What – why are you calling?!”

“I’m in London” I responded, hoping I would not run out of money now that I was finally able to talk to him.

“WHAT?!” Jin called incredulous, and I heard him knock something over in the background. “Where?!”

“I don’t know” I whined, looking around for any clue.

“What do you mean, you don’t know?!”

“I got out of the bus, and then I found this telephone booth, and my phone went dead, and – help me!” I pleaded, aware that I was not making any sense.

“Okay, okay, calm down!” Jin said. It was rare, him talking to me like a parent to a whiny child. Usually, it was the other way around. “Can you see anything in your surroundings?”

“There are buildings” I blurted out.

“Well, that helps a lot” Jin returned with sarcasm. “Something else? Like a street name or a restaurant or a shop?”

“Um, let’s see” I murmured, peeking out of the booth. “There is Starbucks on the other side of the street!”

“That doesn’t really help either” he commented. “There are a lot Starbucks’ in London.”

“Next to it is an H&M” I continued.

“Anything else?” he asked, and I heard him tip something into his computer in the background. He was probably searching the internet.

“Some dress shop. It’s called Olivia’s.”

He was silent for a moment, before he gasped.

“Ha, I think I found you!” he said. “It’s not that far from my hotel! Stay where you are, will you!”

“Sure” I nodded, adding: “Hurry.”

“I will!” he promised before hanging up. I sighed in relief, finally redrawing my credit card. I had a feeling I didn’t want to check my account balance anytime soon.

I got out of the phone booth, spotting a bench not too far from it, sitting down. I hugged myself close, trying to keep warm, but it was no use with the temperatures. Well, at least it had stopped raining. I closed my eyes, and almost drifted off to a slumber, as exhausted as I was. I opened my eyes, though, when I heard Jin call my name.

“Kame!” he called, and then I spotted him, wrapped into a long black coat, approaching me with fast steps. “What the heck are you doing here?!”

“Um… Can you ask an easier question?” I asked quietly as I watched him stop in front of me, letting him catch his breath. He must have run here.

I took in his appearance for a moment. He looked just the way he had before he left, his dark hair curling in all the right places, his skin slightly darkened, his eyes as stunningly dark as ever. Not that eye colors changed.

Remember, I was tired. It would be a miracle if I made sense.

“Why are you wearing a T-Shirt?!” Jin demanded finally, looking at me in shock. “It’s winter!”

“There is no winter in L.A.” I murmured darkly.

“But we are in London” he reminded me, as if I didn’t know.

“I am aware of that!” I snapped, my temper wearing thin. “This is all your fault! What are you doing here in London?!”

“Um, I’m working here” Jin frowned, looking at me as if I had gone insane. “Which brings us back to the question at hand: What are YOU doing here?!”

I rolled my eyes, mustering my hands in embarrassment. Jin let the question drop for now.

“Anyways, you are coming back to the hotel with me now” he murmured, slipping out of his coat and reaching it to me. “Here, you must be freezing!”

I took the coat thankfully, standing up to put it on. At least Jin was dressed according to the weather, wearing a quite thick sweatshirt underneath.

“Okay, come on” Jin said, his voice gentle and worried as he put a hand on my shoulder, leading me down the street.

We were quiet all the way back to the hotel. All I focused on was Jin’s hand on my shoulder as the stress of the long journey slowly started to fall off of me.

It didn’t take more than 5 minutes until we arrived at Jin’s hotel. It seemed quite high class, and I felt like people were looking at me when I entered with Jin. I must have looked pretty bad.

We took the elevator to his room, and I had an opportunity to check just how bad I looked. Jin’s coat was way too oversized on me; my hair was a mess, and I looked super pale, with dark rings under my eyes. I could have easily gotten the role of some zombie, without any make up.

Jin led me to his room, unlocking it with his key card, ushering me inside. I looked at him in expectation as we were inside, but he didn’t ask any further questions – instead, he rummaged through his trunk, which he didn’t seem to have managed to unpack yet, holding out a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie to me.

“You should get under the shower right away, warm yourself up” he said, worry in his eyes. “You are gonna catch death otherwise. Don’t you have any luggage?”

I accepted his offer thankfully, taking his clothes before shaking my head.

“It’s in China.”

Jin raised an eyebrow, apparently wondering if he should ask, but deciding against it, ushering me into the bathroom instead.

The warm water of the shower felt heavenly on my skin. It washed away all of the stress from the way here, leaving nothing but the tiredness for now.

When I got out of the bathroom, Jin was sitting on his bed, waiting for me. Our eyes met across the room, and I sat down next to him, finally ready for his questions. Or as ready as I could be without a good night’s sleep.

“So” Jin asked, his voice quiet and nervous. “Why are you here?”

“To find you” I answered simply.

“How did you know I was in London?” he continued to question, frowning.

“I didn’t” I murmured. “Your neighbor in L.A. told me.”

“You were in L.A. too?” he asked incredulous.

“No, I skyped with her! Of course I was there!” I returned grumpily.

“O-okay” Jin stuttered, shaking his head at the flood of information. “Start from the beginning.”

“Well, it was your stupid letter” I murmured.

“What letter?” Jin interrupted, not understanding a thing.

“The one you wrote before you moved to L.A.” I said carefully. “Your Mum found it in your room, and gave it to me.”

Jin blinked, not seeming to catch up.

“I don’t get what you’re talking about, I don’t know anything about a – OH!” Jin froze, his eyes widening in realization. He glanced at me, panicked, before staring straight ahead, his whole body tensed up. “Oh no” he whispered. “You weren’t supposed to read that!”

“But I did” I told him, seeing how Jin bit his lip in desperation, closing his eyes. I started to say something more, but Jin interrupted me.

“I’m so sorry” he murmured. “I – I swear, I didn’t want to – to burden you or anything, I-“

“Jin-“

“I didn’t mean to-“

“Jin, listen to me!” I demanded, grabbing his shoulder to shake him slightly. “Think for a moment, okay?! I flew halfway around the world, _two times_ in one day, after I read this letter! There aren’t many reasons as to why I would have done something like that!”

Jin glanced up at me nervously, his eyes finally meeting mine. We only looked at each other for a moment, and I tried to tell him everything what I wanted to say but not quite could right now through my eyes. I wasn’t sure if it worked, but he didn’t break our gaze to look away again.

“Then why did you come?” he whispered, as if he was afraid to speak louder.

“Isn’t that obvious?” I asked, my voice as low as his.

He shook his head, and there was something in his eyes, some kind of timid hope, as if he didn’t quite dare to believe what was happening here, and he needed me to say it out loud to make sure it was real. So I took a deep breath, running my tongue over my lips in nervousness before I finally made myself answer.

“Because I loved you all this time, baka!”

“Kame” Jin breathed, his voice shaky. “What… since when?”

“For as long as you have” I whispered, gulping.

“Why did you never tell me?!” he demanded, his voice high pitched.

“Why did YOU never tell ME?!” I shot back. “At least I did not become all distant and take off to America to hide it! I’ve always been right there!”

“Oh my gosh” Jin whispered, shaking his head. “We’ve been so _stupid_!”

“Definitely” I agreed. “I don’t think one can get any more stupid. Just once, in all these years, if one of us had spoken up…”

I was kept from saying more as Jin pulled me into a hug. His scent surrounded me, and I took a deep breath, closing my eyes, letting him pull me into him. My heart fluttered contently, too tired to jump out of my ribcage in excitement.

“Kazu” Jin whispered longingly before pulling away slightly, catching my lips with his. I leaned into the kiss, our lips moving slowly against each other, sensually, not hungrily. I felt warm from the inside, the British winter outside forgotten completely as I let the kiss envelope me, taking me somewhere far away.

Jin broke the kiss and hugged me close again, nuzzling his nose into my hair, breathing in.

“I can’t believe you’re here” he whispered, and I smiled slightly, resting against him, too tired to answer. Jin noticed, stroking my cheek. “You should sleep” he whispered gently. “You  must be half dead.”

I only murmured something in agreement, snuggling further into him. Jin chuckled before pushing me to lie down on the bed, covering me with the blanket. He hovered above me, softly kissing my temple.

I heard his voice, but didn’t catch what he was saying anymore as I drifted off into sleep.

I dreamt some weird mix of Harry Potter and my own journey to get hold of Jin. There was something about London and magic telephone booths, and Jin disapparating away from me whenever I caught view of him, and some snow owl bringing me my luggage.

I woke up with a start as I heard the door open, blinking into the dark room. I heard Jin chuckle before I could make out his dark silhouette on the other side of the room, slipping out of his shoes.

“You really slept through the whole day?!” he asked incredulous. “I already finished work and you didn’t even manage to move out of the bed?! This is definitely not the Kamenashi Kazuya I know!”

“The Kamenashi Kazuya you know wouldn’t have spent a fortune to travel after you” I returned, yawning.

“True” he agreed as he approached me, sitting down on the edge of the bed, turning on the bedside lamp. I blinked against the bright light, groaning, and Jin snickered. “Still not awake?”

“Not really” I chuckled, looking up at him, taking in his smiling face. I hadn’t realized just how much I had missed him until now. I lifted the blanket demonstratively, and Jin caught on, slipping under it, lying down next to me, facing me. Shyly, he wrapped an arm around my waist, and I smiled contently, moving closer to him.

“I still can’t believe you’re here” Jin murmured, his voice soft and full of awe. “I was convinced that I would wake up this morning and everything was a dream.”

“That would have been a cruel dream” I murmured, making a face. “Not even my messed up mind could make up so many catastrophes in so little time.”

“Am I ever gonna hear the full story?” he asked, popping a curious eyebrow.

“Some day” I shrugged, leaning in to catch his lips with mine. “Not now” I murmured against them, nibbling slightly.

Jin smiled into our kiss, returning it, gentle and unhurried. It was crazy that after so much time, we could handle each other this calmly. I had always believed that, if I ever got to kiss Jin, I would jump him, pushing him onto the bed the first chance I got. But maybe it was _because_ we had waited such a long time – we had made it until now, and now that we had each other, we would take our time to savor each other, to make up for all the lost years.

_And I will go down with this ship_

I felt Jin slip his fingers under the hoodie he had lent me last night, and I shuddered slightly from their coldness.

“Sorry” Jin murmured, running soft, calming circles on the small of my back, and I smiled, continuing to kiss him, my arms finding their way to his shoulders, holding him close to me. I couldn’t get close enough – I just wanted to drown in the feeling of his nearness, not ever needing to let go again. We had wasted too much time already… It was a shame, really.

Jin moved his lips from mine to plant soft kissed on the skin of my cheek, tracing them down to my neck, running his tongue over it slightly, tasting me. I sighed in content, feeling my skin tingle where he touched me, squeezing down on his shoulder slightly to show my appreciation. Jin nibbled his way up to some point behind my earlobe, and I felt like I was melting.

I felt Jin murmur something into my skin, but I didn’t quite catch it, and I let out a shaky breath as he started to nibble on my earlobe. “…ve you” he whispered, and I opened my eyes slightly, blinking.

“Mhm?” I breathed, my hand sneaking itself into his hair, knotting itself into the silky dark waves.

“I love you” he whispered, pressing me against him with his hand on my back, knocking the breath out of me for a moment. “God, I love you so much…” he repeated, his voice slightly strained.

I blinked, gulping against the tight feeling in my throat, trying to keep my emotions in check. I had never felt anything like this, being so totally overwhelmed.

“You don’t know how long I wanted to hear that” I responded, my voice breaking slightly towards the end. I squeezed my eyes shut. I would not cry. I was no girl. I would not cry. Get yourself together, Kamenashi.

But then something wet hit my cheek, and I felt Jin tremble slightly under my fingers, and I realized that he was crying, too. It was my undoing; I buried my face in his hair, letting out a soft sob, holding onto him.

All of the emotions that I had hidden all these years came pouring out of me now, and it didn’t seem to be any different for Jin. We held onto each other, neither willing to let go, comforting ourselves silently.

_And I won’t put my hands up and surrender_

After a few minutes – it could have also been hours; I had lost track of time – Jin broke away from me slightly, only to lean his forehead against mine. His eyes were puffy when we gazed at each other, and he reached out to stroke the tearstains from my face.

“Never leave me again, okay?” I whispered, unable to help myself, my voice hoarse from all the crying. “Stay with me.”

“I promise” he whispered, leaning in to bring our lips together again. I moaned involuntarily as his tongue touched mine tentatively.

Maybe it would have been easier for us if we had found out when we were still teens, without all the suffering and with the optimism of youth – but somehow, just this once, I was glad that it had come to _this_ , to this very moment, because all the pain of the past years made it even more intense, almost like an surreal feeling. I had gone through hell for an eternity, but now, I was in heaven, and I felt like it had been worth it.

Jin’s fingers traveled over the skin of my back, making me shiver with each touch. I was lost – usually, I was obsessive with controlling the situations I was in; I felt nervous when I wasn’t in lead, somehow helpless. Now, it was different – I felt like I could willingly give up everything to Jin, letting him do with me what he wants. He could push my from a cliff, for all I cared right now – at least, I’d die in bliss if he did.

I felt Jin’s free hand smoothen the front of the hoodie over my chest, moving downwards until he found the hem of it. He pulled at it slightly, not enough to lift it, more like to ask my permission. I didn’t hesitate to sit up for a moment, lifting the fabric over my head. I threw it into a corner of the room, looking down at Jin, locking eyes with him. He reached up to stroke the hair out of my eyes, before letting it slide downwards, over my cheek and my throat to my chest and stomach. The muscles in my stomach tensed under his touch, and I gulped at the feelings he stirred inside of me.

I pushed at his shoulder gently, making him lie on his back before crawling towards him, slightly hovering over him as I continued kissing him. Our tongues danced with each other as Jin’s fingertips roamed my back again, and I shuddered into our kiss, resting my weight onto him. Jin didn’t complain. Instead, I felt him playing with the waistband of my sweatpants soon, slipping his fingers under it slightly, tracing the skin he found.

I grinded my hips into him gently, searching for friction, and we moaned in synch at the feeling.

“Kazu” he whispered, breathless. I silenced him with another kiss, feeling something burn inside of me, a long existing flame, burning steadily brighter and hotter with every kiss and touch between us.

Suddenly, Jin turned us around, reconquering control of the situation. He started sucking on my neck first, then kissing downwards, his lips nibbling on every bit of skin he found. He stopped at one of my nipples, licking over it, grazing it gently with his teeth. It grew hard under his ministrations, and I knotted my fingers in his hair again, needing an outlet for all these emotions. His hands moved up to stroke over the other nipple, and I moaned out desperately, arching my back slightly.

Jin moved even further downwards then, licking my belly button, finally hooking his fingers in my waistband again, pulling it down, together with my boxer briefs underneath. I lifted my hips slightly, helping him.

For a moment, the thought that Jin was still wearing way too much ran through my head, but I forgot all about it when Jin pressed a kiss to the inside of my thigh. I tried to control my breathing, or the wild beating of my heart, but all of my self-awareness flew out of the window as I felt Jin touch me, his tongue licking over my tip. I gasped, and it turned into a moan right away when he went down on me, taking me into his mouth.

I felt like exploding as Jin went up and down on me like that. Everything around me disappeared, and all I thought and felt was Jin, the way he rested his hands on my hips, holding me in place as he continued pleasuring me, and I felt too high too fast. I tried to gasp out words between my moans, but it was difficult.

“Jin… stop… I – ahhh- I… I’m com-“ Jin ignored my pleads, and then he brought me over the edge, and I came into his mouth. I fell back against the pillow as I tried to control my breathing, trying to get a grip of myself. I felt Jin rest his chin against my chest, watching me as I came down from my high. It took me a moment until I could move to look at him.

“I told you to stop” I whispered, just because.

Jin smirked slightly, shrugging.

“Didn’t want to.”

I chuckled, reaching out to stroke his hair back from his face.

“You’re still wearing way too much” I finally voiced my complaint.

“We could change that” Jin suggested, smiling teasingly at me.

“Please” I murmured, demonstratively pulling at his shirt. I wasn’t up to any games, not today. “I want to feel you.”

Jin’s face turned more serious, and he crawled up to kiss me again. I pulled the hem of his shirt upwards, and he raised his arms, breaking our kiss to let me lift it over his head.

Jin’s skin was warm and addictive. I ran my hands over every bit I found, tracing every curve, every scar and every muscle I came across. Jin was pliant and willing under my fingers, letting me explore all I wanted, moaning every now and then. His moans turned into a whine when I traced his collarbone, and he opened his eyes to glare at me. I bit my lip to keep from grinning, leaning up to kiss him again, moving my hands downwards to not tease him any further.

I worked at the buttons of his jeans, my shaky fingers needing a little longer than usual to open them. When I had finally managed to undo them, Jin helped me by squirming out of them himself. As the offending fabric was finally gone, I began to stroke him gently, eager to return the pleasure he had given me earlier. Jin moaned softly at my touch, kissing me passionately until his breathing was so labored that he needed space to breathe.

“Kazu” he whispered, moaning before continuing. “I – I need to – please…”

“It’s okay” I murmured, moving my hand from his erection to his back, pulling him down to kiss me again. Then he pulled away, much to my dismay, to rummage in his trunk, which stood near the back. I frowned at him, murmuring: “Jin? What-?!”

He returned soon, though, a bottle of lube in his hand. I gulped.

“You don’t need to, it’s okay-“ I began to protest.

“It’s not” he said firmly, opening the bottle to spread something onto his fingers. “I’m not going to hurt you unnecessarily, so you’d better stay quiet, or this is off.”

I bit my lip, raising my eyebrows at him, but staying quiet. I had never experienced Jin this domineering, and though I would rather die than admit it, I kind of liked it. I’d never have thought that I’d want to be taken care of, but obviously, when it came to Jin, I liked it. I liked his gentleness, the way he so obviously cared for me, more than he cared for his own desire… It made me helpless, made me give in to everything he wanted.

He put the bottle of lube on the bedside table and kissed me again, before gently tracing the area of my hole. The feeling was unfamiliar, and I needed some getting used to the weird tingling. Then he entered one finger slowly, gently, but I still hissed from the slight pain and unfamiliar feeling. Jin continued kissing me soothingly, moving his finger inside of me, and I tensed, clinging onto his shoulders to release some part of the pressure I was feeling.

Soon, it became easier, though. It became comfortable even, at least until he entered a second finger, stretching me even further, scissoring them.

“Are you okay?” Jin whispered against my lips, and I just nodded. “Liar” he murmured, before adding: “Sorry. I wished I could make it easier for you.”

“It’s okay” I protested, opening my mouth to say more, but cutting myself off with a moan as Jin hit my prostate with his ministration. A flash of electricity ran through me, followed by intense pleasure, and I saw white for a moment. “Jin” I moaned, clinging onto him even more, wanting him inside of me, _now._

He hesitated, continuing to move his fingers inside of me, and I bit his lip in protest, impatient. Finally, he removed his fingers, positioning himself at my entrance. He looked into my eyes, before blurting out: “I love you.”

He’d said it before, several times tonight, but still, the words left me giddy and breathless. I stroked the hair out of his face, pinning it down behind his ear.

“I love you, too.” I answered, and though I’d always had problems to voice my feelings out loud, it didn’t feel difficult to say it now. Just right, and true.

_There will be no white flag above my door_

Jin leaned in to kiss me again, gently and soft as he began to enter me. Through his fingers had already prepared me, it hurt more than I had expected, and I broke the kiss to take a shaky breath, squeezing my eyes shut and leaning back against the pillow. I hadn‘t noticed that a tear had slipped out from the corner of my eyes until Jin kissed it away, holding still and whispering “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” all over again.

After a moment, I got a grip of myself again, and told him to move. He obliged, hesitantly and slowly at first, and I started to relax slightly, the uncomfortable feeling fading with each of his thrusts.

Then, he hit that spot in me again, and pleasure ran through me uncontrollably, and Jin’s name rolled from my lips shamelessly. He tried to thrust in the same angle over and over again, and I felt the blood racing through my veins, a completely new definition of high building itself inside of me.

It seemed that Jin was close too, at least as far as I could tell with my clouded mind, from the way one of his hands fisted the pillow next to my head and his lips became more urgent on mine, robbing me the last bit of my breath.

He reached in between us, stroking me gently but with a steady space, and soon, it brought me over the edge a second time, Jin’s name on my lips, I tightened around him as I came, taking Jin with me, and we rode out our orgasms together.

Jin collapsed onto me, his breathing as out of control as my own, and it took a while until we felt coherent enough to move and look at each other again. Jin’s hair stuck to his forehead, and he was all sweaty and sticky, but it didn’t keep me from wrapping my arms around him, pulling him close.

“Gosh, Kazu” Jin sighed, resting his face in the edge of my neck and my shoulder. “This was…”

“I know” I murmured, smiling to myself, closing my eyes, reveling in the feeling. I felt that for the first time in my 25 years, I had not had sex – I had made love with Jin. “I love you” I whispered again, knowing I was repeating myself, but feeling like I couldn’t say it often enough.

“I love you, too” he murmured against my skin, making me shiver. “You don’t know how much.”

“I guess I have an idea” I chuckled, resting one of my hands in his sweaty hair again, relaxing. I heard Jin’s cell phone vibrate after a while, but Jin had already drifted off to sleep, and I decided to ignore it, too. Later, I would find out that it had been Tomo, checking if I had finally found Jin and telling me to call my family because my mother was going insane with worry, but for now, I just wanted to ravel a little longer in the feeling of intimacy with Jin, stay a little longer in our own little world.  
 _  
I’m in love and always will be_

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted: http://vflmaeuschen.blog.com/2011/08/23/one-shot-white-flag/  
> http://vflmaeuschen.livejournal.com/36937.html  
> http://vflmaeuschen.livejournal.com/37235.html  
> http://vflmaeuschen.livejournal.com/37446.html  
> http://vflmaeuschen.livejournal.com/37821.html


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